Huh?

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Lately I've been feeling a bit teary whenever I write down the date. April? How the flip can it be April?? And the second half of April??? Urrrgh.

And I tell ya what, it's been a busy three and a half months. There's been three illicit liaisons (none of which were particularly satisfying); one (maybe two) romantic false starts; one v proud 'get the fuck out of my life' moment; two online dating profiles; one UTI; the commencement of one Masters degree; one domestic revolution; one funeral; one wedding; three unfinished blog posts; one signed contract; and one application for a home loan (the outcome of which is to be determined). And don't even get me started on all of the crochet.

No wonder I'm exhausted.

And while I am rather bemused at myself for naively transferring all the energy I was spending on partying and 'looking for love' into my career, studies and the accumulation of property, I cannot help but wonder – what the fuck was I thinking? Seriously.

I made an offer on a flat, am now under contract and can safely say that I have never been more anxious in my life. I've just had half a bottle of wine and it's only Tuesday.

A healthy thing to do? No. Probably not. Necessary? Absolutely.

And even though I still have eight whole months left in the year, I cannot escape those tiny moments of dread when I consider just how much I still have to cram in. Somehow I feel incredibly guilty about all the things I wanted to do this year but haven't got to yet. Like learning how to ride a bike or taking better care of myself and my body. And while I know I am my harshest critic and I just need to CTFO (Chill The Fuck Out – it's a thing. I'm starting it), I am struggling to make it a reality. 

As I continue to plug my way through the year, here a few of tunes that I've been rocking to that are helping me through. And while I know they don't really make for a very coherent blog post, I think that's okay. I'm not particularly coherent at the moment anyways. Oh and the last song – it's sheer liquid wonderment. Just FYI.

 

Write the theme tune. Sing the theme tune.

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There are a few songs that have been floating around my life for a long time. And tonight as I reflect on the latest epic fail in my so called love life, I revist this one. 

I've been rocking to this song since it was released over a decade ago. A little bit sad? Yes. But it is still a remarkably fabulous song and the film clip feels a little bit like my life these days.

Tupper-fest 2011

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Three months ago I couldn't get someone to sell me Tupperware to save my life. Now? Well to say that I am currently swimming in a vast sea of Tupperware would be an understatement. I feel sheepish, overwhelmed, excited, baffled and yet somehow content.

Basically, I feel like I've had an affair with Tupperware.

Some time ago I wrote about the relationship between sex and Tupperware after a co-worker quite famously proclaimed: "Tupperware is what you have when you're not having sex". And after having spent close to $800** on Tupperware in the last 2 months, I can safely say – yes. Yes it is. 

And can I just say, that while my ability to please in the boudoir is potentially questionable, my ability to get excited and share a love of Tupperware is undeniable. 

I could sell this shit. And I could sell it well. 

My affair with Tupperware culminated in a recent trip to a Tupperware sales meeting with my lovely rep Elizabeth. Not only, did I somehow manage to walk away with even more free Tupperware – I got a tour of the factory and a taste of what the company is all about. Okay, so the world of the Tupperware dealer is pretty intense, but do you know what I like about it? 

Anyone can do it. 

Young, old, male, (although mostly) female, single, married, pierced, tattooed – anyone. All you need is the ability to be friendly and a passion for the product.

I really, really like that. And it is nowhere near as scary as Amway. 

So is it the end of the affair? Hardly. Tupperware is the kind of lover that comes and goes, but always leaves you feeling content with a renewed vigour. You know, for portioning your meals and organising your fridge. 

What can I say? I'm nesty. And a Tupperware catalog is my porn.

———

**It could be worse. It could be like that weekend I accidentally spent $400 on vibrators. Although frankly it's hard to know which products have been the most useful. 

Digital Crushes.

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When you read a lot of blogs, frequent a lot of social media platforms, and are a total nerd, you're bound to develop the odd digital crush. I'd say I develop one at least once a year. It's strange to think that upon reading someones blog, their status updates or tweets you can start to get an inkling that they may in fact be your digital soulmate. 

Alas, these illusions are often shattered, usually when your crush updates their profile picture to one that includes a partner. Or they blog about their partner and children. Or they live in a different country. 

Maybe it's because I'm a blogger/writer, but when I read people's words, experiences and thoughts and they're funny, smart and similar to my own, I start to get a little bit smitten. And oh, don't even get me started about what happens when the online flirting commences. 

I've never managed to progress a digital crush into the real world, which is probably a good thing. I guess it's just nice to know there are folk out there who could be compatible with you and know that they are real people – not just characters in tv shows (I <3 you Ted Mosby!). Despite being just as unattainable. 

Still, it is an interesting phenomenon of our digital age to see someone you've never met pop up in your feeds, sigh and think – they're the one! 

PS – Did I mention that Sleepless in Seattle is my fave romantic pic?

Twenty-eight.

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A couple of years ago I read an article about a study that asked a number of people at what age they felt the happiest in their lives. The age when things had fallen into place and they were feeling contented. They averaged the responses and the golden age was 28.

And while I know I shouldn't put too much stock in studies I read about in Cosmo (although I'm sure I also read about it somewhere much more reputable), this one kind of stuck with me.

I've just finished reading the book my mother gave me for my birthday. It was all about taking control of your finances and 'living thin', but it also talked about something called the 'Saturn Return'. Apparently, it takes about 29.5 years from the date of your birth for Saturn to circle the sun, and when it finally swings around it brings all sorts of good astrological ju-ju into your life. Basically, it is a period of great transition. Why is this relevant? Well I guess it just lends a little bit more weight to the idea that those later years in your twenties are rather important. That good things, supposedly, will happen. 

Having just turned 28 a little over a week ago, I feel like something is happening. Something I didn't expect.

Someone recently asked me how old I was and for the first time ever, I felt uncomfortable answering honestly. "27" was always an age I could throw out flippantly with a flirtatious old-enough-to-know-better smile, but 28?

All of a sudden I feel like I should perhaps be more of an adult. And that my actions might, you know, have consequences. Suddenly, I'm thinking about mortgages, career directions and contributions to my super fund. None of which I've seriously considered before. And I'm thinking about relationships.

I know, I know – I'm always thinking about relationships. But it's starting to feel different.

I gotta say though, a week in and 28 doesn't particularly feel like my magical age of contentment. It feels more like its going to be a year of bloody hard work. A fortnight spent traveling with my family has lead to some forced sobriety and lots of contemplation. This holiday I finally read a book that was recommended to me many moons ago, and this book feels important. For the first time in a long time, I read a book that lead me to ponder not only the world, but my own world. And it will be interesting to see how that develops.

So what will 28 be about? Well, I'm going to start by working towards the two things that came to mind when someone asked me what would make me happy. These were – making things (crafting and writing) and being active. These may not sound like much, but when I return to the real world, they will no doubt prove to be very hard work.

On The Road Again

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On a lighter note, heres something I wrote earlier in the week, pre-flood

Have you ever been to a restaurant and eaten something so wonderful that every time you go back, you just can’t bring yourself to order anything else? Well, I think I’m starting to get that way with travel. Except that instead of the seafood banquet with mud crab and the pasta marinara, I find myself reordering Japan and the United States.

Having not made it overseas until I was 20, I’ve never really considered I myself much of a globetrotter. Especially not with a never ending stream of friends and acquaintances packing up their lives and living overseas in various exotic locales.

The first time I went overseas was in 03/04 with a group of friends. We went to the UK and had rad times despite the freezing cold and being in Edinburgh the year that hogmany was cancelled. We also went to Amsterdam, stayed in the red light district and in a rather unexpected turn of events, spent much more time seeing great art than being stoned. Which was actually quite nice.

Since then I’ve explored a modest number of countries with Japan and America being my favourites so far. Japan, because it’s never what you expect, and it’s fun to just roll w the crazy. Oh, and they have heated toilet seats – awesome! And America because the people are fab, the men are gorgeous and bookstores are open till 11pm every night. Actually, it’s very possible that I just like countries with economies and populations so big that I can shop whenever I want.

Maybe that’s why I like Melbourne so much? (but not in that incredibly snobby – oh, it’s just so European and so much cooler than Brisbane sort of way)

And if me writing a blog post on my iPad in a well-furnished apartment in Neiseko, Japan hadn’t already given it away, I should probably mention that I am not the backpacking kind. I travelled with a backpack once. Never again.

These days most of my travel, both domestic and international is centered around professional development and visiting friends. Destination weddings are my favorite so far, they bring together such a great collection of people – something I find myself pining for these days.

Yes, now that we’re all hot young professionals kicking bottom in the real world, travel with peers is so much rarer. These days, most folk travel with their partners and the rest of us just book in holidays whenever we can and try to find travel buddies later. And as much as I am adoring this incredibly lush, incredibly awesome trip to Japan, watching bunches of mates, young families and couples in love rock out while I chill with my parents and 16 year old bro is tougher than I expected.

Of course this is not helped by the fact that something about air travel alway makes me really randy.

And I cant help but ponder what I always ponder when I travel, when o when am I going to get to do this with a partner that I can have all sorts of crazy holiday sex with?

Sigh. A girl can dream.

Meanwhile, here is a picture of me in the snow! And yes, my worrisome father has insisted that I wear a helmet when skiing. I’m not sure when helmets became in-vogue skiing attire. But they’re everywhere!

The Big Wet aka #qldfloods

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It's pretty rare for a Brisbane resident to go on holiday and have their home town become more exciting than their destination. And yet, as I write this my office is probably filling with water, as are my favorite picnic spots, walks, shops and even my late night fast food distributor.

I'm not a particularly anxious person, but from time to time I get little whiffs of it. You know, like when everyone I know and love in Brisbane is experiencing a disaster. People can say what they want about the evils of technology and social media, but when you're overseas without reliable telephone access and no understanding of how the television remote works, it's remarkable. It's the only way I've been able to keep track of my nearest and dearest, who are so far all okay, and pretty jovial considering.

What I hate most is being so far away. While everyone tells me it's the best time not to be in Brisbane, I feel an ache to be there with everyone. Sure, I'd be stuck at my parents place as the bottom of my apartment building may fill with water, but I could call people, help them pack and move their possessions, and help them laugh and be distracted. Even if it was just mixing cocktails and regaling folk with tales of my would be sex life.

Instead I find myself sitting in a lovely studio apartment in snowy Japan glued to my twitter and facebook feeds. Knowing the worst is yet to come and feeling about as helpless as I've ever felt. Suddenly, how fat I look in my ski pants, my blotchy skin and my inability to get a boyfriend feels shockingly irrelevant and I just want to be home.

My fathers advice to "just go skiing and forget about it" feels absolutely ridiculous. The advice alone represents a spoilt-brattedness I've walked the line of my whole life. But what else can I do? Wallowing hopelessly just seems a bit silly, and if my erratic dreams of accidents, water and death last night are anything to go by, no distraction will be good enough.

So while I attempt to distract myself in the most bourgeois way possible, rest assured my friends and family in Brissy will barely leave my thoughts. I will be home in time to help with the clean up and will most likely parade you all in front of me to assure me of your well being. My hopes, well wishes and hugs go out to you all. Whatever you do, stay safe – it's a strange and scary place out there today.

The Root’n'Run

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Today, boys and girls, I am going to share with you one of the most heinous crimes known to woman: the Root'n'run. It's not quite up there with murder and adultery, but it's way worse than coveting things and worshiping false idols.

A Root'n'run is exactly what it sounds like. A gentleman calls upon a lady, takes very brief liberties with her and then fails to return the favour. Following this, he proceeds to wash his privates in her bathroom sink, whisper falsehoods about an emergency and then runs out the door leaving the lady wearing nought but her dressing gown.

The lady, amidst extreme frustration is then forced to 'finish the job'. But even this is of limited enjoyment due to the sheer indignation caused by the gentleman's rudeness and the realization that this, dear readers, is in fact his modus operandi.

No, he wasn't shy. No, he wasn't nervous. He was just plain rude.

And it forces a young lady to ask herself – is it really so much to ask that her casual gentleman callers not only leave her feeling satisfied, but do her the courtesy of avoiding embarrassingly ridiculous lies?

And that, dear friends is the crime of the Root'n'run.

Resolved.

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Well, my new years eve/day celebrations had just about everything – good food, good friends, good booze, amazing hot tubs, sausage dogs, Bailey's, obligatory 3am tears, bad movies, more beer and more great friends. Still, as I morosley expressed in last night's hot tub, I've been struggling to get excited about 2011.

I was really pumped for 2010. It was going to be my year – totally. awesome. But I've walked away feeling a bit meh. And while in many ways I have totally kicked butt this year, there have been some rather unfun and unsavoury moments that have removed some of life's gloss.

I suppose you could probably just consider these knocks and scrapes the stuff of 'growing up', but my gosh – don't they just suck balls? I mean, seriously? Why must life keep twisting and turning and requiring me to friggin' learn things about myself?? All of this 'self reflection' and 'growing as a person' malarkey is really very taxing on my mood, my body and yes, I'm going to say it – my bank balance.

And yet, in typical Anne fashion I have an enormous list of things to achieve in the coming year. So in keeping with tradition, here is my list of resolutions for 2011, in no particular order:

  • Learn how to ride a bike
  • Drink less, sew more
  • Pay off credit debt in order to consider new and more bountiful debt aka 'a mortgage'
  • Seek professional supervision/mentoring
  • Consider studying again
  • Start up dance/dance-fitness again – rediscover the joy of movement!
  • Go back to Weight Watchers – things have gotten out of hand. It's time.
  • Be kinder to myself – recognise and value the diversity within.
  • Start accepting set-ups and blind dates. Seriously, what is there left to lose?
  • And when it comes to romance – just chill. the. fuck. out. And be brave. 

I have extremely mixed feelings about the year ahead. But at the same time I feel quite determined to work on the above list. So what do you reackon peeps? Do you think I can do it all?

I think that maybe I can.

The Story of My Year – in 140 characters or less

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Well, another year has gone by, but before I start listing my exceedingly plentiful resolutions for 2011, let's take a moment to review on the year that was. Rather than my usual pontifications I thought I could collate some of my sillier 140 character outbursts on Twitter. So here goes.

January:

  • For the 1st time in the history of my drinking I am not feeling rubbish on 1 Jan. Although I do have an urge for 300 Peso jugs of cocktails
  • Falling asleep in party dresses on Monday night is poor form, isn't it? Happy birthday mum!
  • One perk of being shackled to the family home while my parents have a kooky sex romp through Japan is that I get to drive my dad's Mini Coup
  • Today I am wearing a shirt to a job interview that was last worn as part of a naughty school girl costume. That's gotta be good juju right? (I actually got that job!)
  • Today I have embraced my malaise. But I have found that it is difficult to embrace your malaise on a leather couch. #firstworldproblems
  • Plans for the evening? Eat curry. Drink champagne. Clean room.

February:

  • I am currently a bit obsessed with this song. Symbolic? Well, obviously. But! It is awesome. http://bit.ly/3dxzzL
  • First day at new job. All snazzed up, already stacked it in the middle of Adelaide Street. #universekeepingitreal
  • "I am rather over Facebook. I am much more interested in Aldi" #shitmymumsays
  • It occurs to me that if part of my new job is being a secretariat to an important group, then I need to learn how to spell secretariat.
  • My sunglasses are love hearts. And I'm wearing an altered hanson tee. Have decided it's almost retro. I'm pioneering. #goodvibes
  • Errr, did I just sleep through a tsunami? It sounds like something I would do #oblivious

March:

  • I have tendinitis of the wrist. No idea what from. Forced to consider that it may NOT be sexually related. So uninteresting.
  • About to have dinner w old work mates. Feel v relieved as I can finally talk about my hormones and sore boobs. New office not ready yet.
  • Overhearing housemate explaining to friend why Flight of the Conchords is funny. Not sure if that is something you can learn.
  • Aaaand I've just realised that my bra matches my earrings.
  •  Just opened tweetie to find … I feel overwhelmed by the taxi driver and hus dusgreafard of road aafernsytahdars… I almost understand it
  • What to wear today? Polkadots? Surely I won't pick up in polkadots. But I have before. But I can't! Have to get iPhone fixed tom #priorities (I totally picked up)
  • Okay, so I was late for my appointment at Apple because I had to pull over for a bit of a vom. But! iPhone is fixed, and ready to travel!

April:

  • "you cum guzzlin' slut" i like it. And i'm going to use it in conversation. #americandragshow
  • Wow wow wow!! Great keynote by Andrew Sullivan. Makes me proud to be a social worker nerd, what a great movement we're a part of! #10ntc
  • Chillin at Venice Beach w a slushie and a four dollar pizza. Will be sad to see this holiday end.
  • Bloody bad decision bears. They get me, every flippin' time. Fabulous engagement party though. Someone was wearing a chicken suit.
  • So I'm looking pretty smokin' today. And in typical "anne" fashion, I just sloshed coke zero down my cleavage. It's so sticky …
  • Flatmate: "get a better vibrator, and you'll be right". There's something so fabulously Australian about that.
  • Just remembered- they played Bowie at the club last night and I made a conchords joke to the boy I was dancing with. He didn't get it. #fail
  • I suppose, if anything, Internet dating tests my tolerance for bad spelling and grammar. It's also hilarious. But that's besides the point.
  • For years, I have joked about doing a dramatic reading of "prisioner of society" by the living end. Tonight – I lived the dream. #drunkpoets

May:

  • Have developed a crush on someone specifically because they danced the robot w me. #nerd
  • I'm buying a space invaders bra. Not sure if this spells the beginning, or the end of my so called love life.
  • Overheard on plane: "you seem very practical". If I wrote a guidebook on how to talk to women. That would be a no-no.
  • Well. I suppose if the last two weekends have taught me anything, it's that men are bullshit. I think I need to take break. 
  • My new motto – "you gotta slay a lot of dragons before you find your prince!"

June:

  • Ladies at the races! http://yfrog.com/06zwqhj
  • Bumped into the last I guy I had a crush on. And before I went on my way, he kissed me. I don't think I'll ever see him again. WTF?
  • I didn't plan on falling in love today. But I did. Dan Sultan may just be the hottest man alive. #dreamingfestival
  • My first dress!! Made out of old bed linen :) http://yfrog.com/1310aimj
  • As a sassy red headed woman of leftish persuasion it's nice to finally be represented at the highest level. #spill
  • OMG. I just spelt bureaucratic right for the first time in my life. Is this one step closer to actually being a bureaucrat?

(Supposedly Dry) July:

  • We've lived in our house for nine months, and it wasn't until I did papier mache in our living room did I need to go out and buy a mop.
  • F.U.C.K. I've locked myself out of my parent's house. No phone. No one home. Need to pee. Gonna try breaking in again.
  • "I'm using that golden ticket even if You don't want to! DRINK BITCH!!" oh, @poppyGx. What a friend.
  • Hrm. Last Saturday I may have inadvertently opened a Pandora's Box of Booty Calling.
  • "Urgh. You've got bloody Dry July, when is that going to end?" #dryjuly
  • Well. I can safely say that sober speed dating = lame. #dryjuly
  • A member of the support band just took off his cardigan. This shit's about to get real! #goldfrapp
  • "this place is as straight as a sine wave": @AGMs_daughter 's fiancé.

August:

  • Have wrestled my morning afro into something vaguely professional. And yet I will still rely heavily on my blazer for professionalism.
  • Movers are here. Just did a paranoid condom wrapper sweep under the bed. Found three.
  • Snuggled in bed w new linen and a new view. I can totes see Stefan's Needle from my new bedroom.
  • Had my first giant stack outside my new apartment block wearing a cute outfit. There was blood in my stockings and everything. I'm home!
  • Facebook just made me sad. I don't know why I pine over this guy. Perhaps I'm projecting hopes that were never on the cards to begin with?
  • "Your dad was going on about how you need a partner. But I don't know. Maybe you just need a toolkit. Less trouble" #shitmymumsays
  • The lesson? Pilates and post-work drinks don't mix.
  • Electro Swing. Cures all post-electoral woes. #dancethepainaway #ausvotes
  • Have finally made it out of bed in a quest for groceries. Wish people wouldn't kiss happily in the street. Don't they know I'm nauseous?
  • I think that any man I fall in love with, will have at one point in driven a Volvo. It's the daggiest thing the world. And the sexiest.

September:

  • Gifted from workmate. He knows me better than I thought he did. http://yfrog.com/bgty0qj
  • Horoscope widget: "Today you will miss true love in your life. Don't worry. Everything changes with time and so will your romantic life"
  • May today be known as Champagne Tuesday! Cheers to Jules and finally having a governent. What a relief! #ausvotes
  • Oh. My. Frickin'. God. (@ Ding Dong Lounge) http://4sq.com/6UHoiu
  • I can't help but feel my 10 year reunion RSVP form is belittling me for being single. And not a doctor. http://yfrog.com/0e1jjzj
  • Boat!!!

October:

  • Whatever the female equivalent of suiting up is – I've done it! It's time to rock this engagement party, maid of dishonour style.
  • Hmmm.There's a guitarist asleep in my bed. Don't you just hate that? #maidofdishonour
  • I've just started following my local cocktail bar. This cannot end well. @Sling
  • It's unusual to see so many men wearing brown riding boots as they're NOT dressed as Jedi #polo
  • Celebrity Sighting!! Oscar the Grouch at a Toowong Bottle-o.

November:

  • It's becoming clear that my father is now primarily communicating with me via Facebook. Odd.
  • Theres a pineapple in my handbag. Mwaha!! @poppyGx
  • So. Many. Mustaches. (@ Archive – Beer Boutique Bistro) http://4sq.com/bYY8Oc
  • In other news – today I came up w the perfect way to describe myself. "Nurturing, but not subservient" – love it!
  • Executive decision made. I'm wearing my star wars t-shirt to work.

December:

  • Aaand I just got the receipt for an ap that I downloaded under the influence and had consequently forgotten about. Ah Tetris, my old friend.
  • I guess I'm sort if proud. I didn't get too boozed, so I didn't end up sending dodgy texts and doing dodgy things. But I kinda wish I had.
  • Watching the storm pass by w a cocktail in hand! (@ Sling Bar) http://4sq.com/9iccKV
  • I have a lot of favorite things, and this brooch is definitely one of them! http://yfrog.com/h7dkepbj
  • Tonight, I think I warmed to a guy just because he was gluten intolerant. That is so bizarre.
  • Me: "I wish you had surround sound right now" @jessiemyself: "I don't. But I can turn it up if you want"

So. Have I learnt any lessons in the past year? Well. I've learnt that I certainly drink a lot. And I've had a whole heap of sex.

Other than that I think I've learnt that I'm slowly figuring out what I want, but I am not quite there yet.

So 2011, bring. It. On.