A number of weeks ago I plonked my somewhat boozed behind on a friends couch and we began to watch The Goodies. As we watched, I commented that as a child I’d always had a bit of a crush on Greame.
You remember The Goodies, don’t you? Let me refresh your memory …
(to this day, I am still rather partial to those sorts of fonts)
As we watched an episode unfold in all of its politically incorrect glory I realised something. I realised that Graeme from the Goodies is the archetype of every man I’ve ever had a girlish crush on. Not counting the men I sort of liked just because they showed an interest/were nearby.
I was shocked. Utterly taken aback. But as I stared at Graeme, at his lanky frame in his brown cord suit, skinny tie and big sexy glasses, I still couldn’t help but swoon. Even though I know he is now just an old baby boomer that once ‘was’. You know, like my dad.
Oh, and in case you missed him in the above clip, he was the one skipping through the woods with the computer. But in his defence, he was in love.
Then I remembered that years ago, I kept seeing a car in traffic with a personalised number plate that said “Graeme”. And I remember at the time remarking to my friends that I just loved the name Graeme. I thought it was sexy. I loved it so much, that I even took a photograph of the car, and kept it in an easily accessible spot on my hard drive (the file marked ‘2005’ to be exact).
I’m fairly confident that this particular Graeme was my father’s age. Alas, I think that most men named Graeme are. So while it may be that I’ll never find a man called Graeme, it has become very clear that I am looking for a man who embodies a certain ‘Graeme-ness’.
Indeed, I recently rated one of my gentleman callers on what shall henceforth be known as ‘The Graeme Scale’. He was a 3 out of 5.
The Graeme Scale is a score out of 5 based on a number of qualities, most of which are related to how dorky he is. Are you tall? 1 point! Do you wear glasses? 2 points! Do you like science? 1 point! Do you like computers? 1 point! Do you know what I mean when I say ‘ubuntu’ or ‘drupal’? 1 point! Do you pull off skinny jeans? 3 points! Do you like nintendo? 2 points! Do you drive a Volvo? 5 points!
Can you imagine what would happen if I ever met a man who met all of the Graeme Eligibility Criteria???
I think my head would explode.
It’s not surprising then that my latest foolish crush is a man who scores a mammoth 6 out of 5 on The Graeme Scale, based on height, glasses and skinny jeans. Who knows what he would score if I ever got to know him. Fortunately, odds are he’s taken, which would detract a whopping 5 points from his total.
Yes. My name is Anne. And I love dorky men.